1. Unmotivated

It’s 3:30 a.m. on Wednesday, March 20. I’ve been up for two hours now. The older I get, the worse my sleep patterns are becoming and it’s the absolute pits. I can’t blame this restless night on my husband’s snoring, my allergies, multiple trips to the bathroom, or my looney cats. I’m just up. And when I am awake like this in the dark of the night, my mind starts racing with random thoughts. Tonight, those thoughts are on my writing, my future as a writer, and, in particular, this blog. My intent with this blog is to explore 41 new and different “adventures” for my 41st year in an attempt to rediscover myself and what I want out of life. Last week, I tried coffee for the first time ever (shocking, I know) and I’ve been experimenting with celery juice (I’ll tell you later), both of which I thought would be great topics for blog posts, but I just haven’t been motivated enough lately to write about my experiences yet or about myself in general. I’ve been quite bored with my writing lately and discouraged with this career path I’ve chosen and I just don’t know what to do. It’s frustrating because writing is all I’ve ever known and all I’ve wanted to do. Two months ago, I was gung-ho about 2019 being the year that I would finally get serious about writing and publishing a book, a dream I’ve had since the third grade, but speaking with and listening to other authors lately on a similar path has left me disheartened about the direction I am thinking of heading. One freelancer friend whose written several books told me she makes more money writing one article for a magazine (a measly $130) than she does trying to sell copies of her latest book at a book signing. If money is my motivation, then clearly I am on the wrong track. I went to a memoir writing workshop recently and heard from a panel of authors about their writing journeys. Inspired, I quickly picked up a copy of one of the panelist’s books and it was an awful, disappointing read. If someone like this, a Jane nobody who isn’t even a professional writer, can get a book published, how do I make myself stand out? That’s how I feel about blogging too----everybody is doing it, so how do I differentiate myself? What even makes an author? And does anyone even care what I have to say anyway? I like to think I’ve always been a goal-oriented person. I have scores of book ideas in my head, but no real drive anymore to put pen to paper. I’ve lost sight of my goal. I miss the days when I could sleep through the night uninterrupted and without being weighed down by life’s major dilemmas. A second cup of coffee doesn’t sound bad right about now (although I really didn’t care for it the first go round, so I will stick with the tea, thank you).